by Allan Wolf
“Find your seats quickly,” the bus driver yawned.
So I looked for mine quickly, but found it was gone!
“Oh bus driver! Help!” I cried, “Something’s amiss.”
He answered, “I’ll get to the bottom of this!”
In vain, we searched everywhere hoping to find
some clue to the thief who had pinched my behind.
Weeks later, I don’t know who stole my rear-end.
And though it sounds cheeky, I’ve lost my best friend.
Without my behind I am in quite a muddle.
I’ll have to have surgeons perform a re-buttal!
But meanwhile if, someday, you happen to meet
the bandit who’s sitting on my stolen seat,
be rude to him, glare at him, tweak him and twank him!
Stomp his toe! Call the police!
. . . just don’t spank him.
Copyright © 2003 Allan Wolf. From the book The Blood-Hungry Spleen: And Other Poems About Our Parts. Candlewick Press. Reprinted by permission of the author.
This poem is made up of several bad “puns.” Can you find them all?
Allan Wolf is an author and performance poet living in Asheville, NC. Before turning to writing full-time, Wolf was the educational director of Poetry Alive!, the national touring group that transforms poetry into theater. Wolf’s many books showcase his love of history, research, and poetry. His latest verse novel, The Watch that Ends the Night: Voices from the Titanic, was awarded the prestigious Claudia Lewis Poetry Award for the best poetry book of the year by Bank Street College. Watch was also chosen this year’s North Carolina Book of the Year. With literally hundreds of poems committed to memory, Wolf still travels the country presenting author visits and poetry shows for all ages.